You Will Be Your Husband’s Partner or Parent

Women, I am sick and tired of hearing how sick and tired we are.

I get so sad, when I hear about smart, beautiful, powerful women willingly giving it all away for the sake of a marriage.

In a marriage, common-law relationship or boyfriend-girlfriend situation, you should be your significant other’s partner, not your partner’s parent.

I am not a cold hearted bitch; I am nice to my partner, I dote on them (from time to time), and try to make each day of their life special, in my own little way (and without any harm to my own life). Sometimes its as simple as bringing them a cup of coffee in bed, making their favourite curry for dinner, encouraging them to get their booty to the gym or listening to their stresses, without judgement.

I also am in a partnership, a partnership, which is fair, but fair does not mean it is always fifty-fifty.

However, fair does mean that the average of all of our accumulated days together even out to fifty-fifty. Some days you are up and some days you are down, the same goes for your partner and this is part of being in a relationship: to support the other when they are down and out.

What I cannot stand, is when women lament about how their husband just cannot cook or clean, because they do not know how.

I would believe you if you told me that your partner cannot fly a plane, crochet a blanket or perform open heart surgery, but wipe a counter, put away a load of laundry and make toast? Those are not skills which require extensive training, they require common sense (and decency for those you live with).

If your partner refuses to do their share around the house, what they are really saying is that they do not respect you enough to carry their own weight and assist you with yours; they do not care if their lack of effort adds stress to your life.

Before you throw me in fire, hear me out. If you are not dealing with an abusive relationship, an illness or some matter much greater than the dishes and household responsibilities, which is none of my business, then you have some reflecting to do.

If you are telling me your relationship is ‘healthy,’ but your partner just does not know how to load the dishwasher right, so you have to do it for them, I think you need to re-examine your concept of a healthy or fair relationship.

I am tired of women choosing to limit their life, with the excuse that their partner just cannot help and play fair in the household.

I am sick and tired of this shit; 2019 is blossoming before us, so can we just stop with this conversation that straight men cannot cook and clean?

If your partner respects you, they will do what is fair of them, in all aspects of your relationship.

They will not call it babysitting, if they stay home on a Friday night with the kids, so that you can go out with the girls. They will not remind you, for the next six months, about the one time they made dinner for you. They will not leave their dirty clothes, all over the house, if they know that it causes you stress, when you walk through the door after work.

Women need to own their shit and understand their responsibility for the partner they have chosen and how they allow their partnership to run.

I think some woman may find it cutesy to complain and a way to connect to other women, who are in the same boat as them. You are not in a boat, you are on land and can walk away from the situation, if it is not working for you.

I know, I know, this psychotic woman on the internet is telling you to leave your husband because he won’t pick up his underwear. I am not saying that, but I am asking you what that lack of picking up said underwear implies about your relationship.

It is easy to say your husband loves you and I am not challenging you on that, but I will challenge you on if he respects you and sees you as his equal.

Our male, heterosexual partners love their mothers, and some of them are doted on pretty damn hard by their mothers, as they should: that is their mother. I am not my partner’s mother, I am their partner in life: we run a household together, support each other’s personal goals and physically find each other so damn beautiful.

So, what is the point of this rant? I want to ask all of you, who are running a household independently, running yourself ragged and alone in your relationship, what are you most afraid of?

• Are you afraid of being alone, so this is better than the idea of being (gasp) single?
• Are you afraid of taking on more at work, so the excuse of work at home allows you the protection of not pursuing external goals, where there is risk of failing or rejection?
• Are you afraid of not being a perfect person, so if your house is not immaculate, you feel like you are not living up to the idea of the woman who has it all?
• Or is your dream bigger than that? If it is, damn, it must be scary to try to attempt to accomplish it. I would find as any excuse to support my denial, as to why I am not achieving the best version of me I can be.

I am not trying to be the bad woman here, I simply want more for all of us.

I have been on the other side too and I know where many women are at. I, for a long time, tried to be the perfect woman: look good, be a good partner, do the cooking and cleaning, like I loved it more than life itself and felt super lonely and unfulfilled.

Being lonely, while in a relationship, is ten times worse than being single.

Believe me, I have been in both and being single is not a bad thing; single is not a bad word and I am sick of people seeing it like that.

If you want to be in a relationship or improve the relationship you are currently in, I am all for it! I do not have the perfect relationship, nor am I the perfect partner, but I am always striving for self-improvement and positive relationship building.

You can never stop working on yourself or your relationship, if you do, they will begin to rot, like the salad mix in our vegetable crisper. And who is going to throw that bag of soggy salad if it goes bad? Let’s get into that conversation right now…

Own your life and create the boundaries, which work best for you in your relationship.

Also, the next time you are picking up your partner’s dirty socks, ask yourself, what are you avoiding by picking up those crummy, cotton clothes? What are you running from, that this situation of self-made busyness is protecting you from?

Find out your biggest fear and work at overcoming it because your happiness exists there. The other choice is to settle, in a sub par relationship, where you feel undervalued and like a secondary citizen and if that is enough for you, by all means, please do not let me stand in your way, but don’t you dare complain about your life choices.