We hope for the best in our partners; that they will change, stay the same or always work towards bettering life, for the both of us.
This is not necessarily true.
If your partner is not building you up, they are breaking you down. If your partner does not respect you, it will invade every aspect of your daily life.
People do not go into a relationship in the hopes of destroying their partner, but if they continually put their needs ahead of the team’s needs, it will eventually result in chaos.
A partnership built on respect, trust and honestly is vital for a relationship to be a positive part of your life and your identity.
If you are dealing with infidelity in your relationship my heart goes out to you.
Nothing is more toxic, damaging and draining than a partner who strays. You feel like you always have to be searching, researching and exploring. Since you cannot take your partner’s words at face value, you always have to corroborate their story. You search their phone,internet history, and bank statements, trying to valid and ensure that they are not straying from monogamy. It is a very isolating journey and it diminishes the time, energy and money you can spend on yourself.
You have to put yourself second, or even third, to ensure the sanctity of your relationship.
When you start putting yourself lower on your list of life, you start to forget the foundation of who you are.
You start to live and be the person your partner needs, wants or expects. You begin to see yourself only for what you can provide for them, to sustain them and keep them comfortable.
It makes your self worth become a shaky ideal.
It makes you question everything about yourself. You question whether you are the source of the problem. You also hope you too can become the answer.
If you are dealing with a selfish partner, the journey is lonely. A partner who does not put your needs first or care at all about how you feel is an island of isolation. You feel like you are not worthy of love. You feel stupid. You feel at fault because (you believe) if you were better, they would care more.
Selfish people do not care how wonderful, beautiful or caring you are because they are takers. If you give a taker what they want, hoping that they will stop taking, you have just opened the floodgates. Their needs will never be satisfied and you will spend your life giving.
You will sacrifice your own goals, hopes and dreams to give this person their short term wants. You will fall into debt, despair and destroy who you are and your ideals to save your marriage.
If you partner thinks you are less than them, that they are the primary and you are the secondary in the relationship…run. You cannot be the passenger on your journey of life. Being the passenger means that you are succumbing all decision making and direction to your partner. Being a passive participant in life is like choosing to be a prisoner.
Whether you do not make as much money as your partner, are the homemaker or are dealing with struggles your partner does not have, you are not secondary in anything. You are a person and you bring value to the world and people around you. If you partner does not remind you of your strength, value and beauty each and every day, do you (actually) think they ever will start?
We spend so much time saving bad relationships from demise that somewhere along the journey we forget why we are trying to save the marriage.
The goal simply becomes salvation, but at what cost and for what purpose?
You will lose your identity on this treacherous journey. You will spend so much time, trying to ensure that the boat of your relationship does not tip over that you will sacrifice everything, especially yourself.
It will first start off small, first, you will sacrifice your hobbies, personal interests or wants for theirs. Then you will begin to only make decisions based on how you think they will react. You will sacrifice professional advancement, personal improvements and self care, all in the hope of salvaging your significant other.
You will become a shell of who you are.
The days will be tiresome and your mind will be overburdened with thoughts of them, to the point that you stop thinking about yourself. You will forget you have needs or wants and will simply be a slave to your partner and ensuring that your relationship survives another day. It is a tragic state of existence.
We are (all) scared of failing in relationships. We run from titles, such as ‘divorced’ or ‘single’ because they feel like a punishment we do not deserve.
Being single or divorced is not a punishment, it is your current stance in life, so own it. Own your identity and be brilliantly proud of your titles.
There will always be ups and downs in relationships. There will always be times where one partner is struggling and the other is succeeding, but that does not merit daily unhappiness.
Own your relationship, set clear boundaries or risk losing yourself in the journey of saving something which provides you no salvation.
There is no prize in being a martyr. If you stay in a bad relationship for society, your parents or image, it does not matter because no one truly cares or understands your daily struggle.
Do not put yourself or keep yourself in hell just to prove you can endure it.