I am a massive overachiever. I always have been this way, it is a borderline flaw in my life; being consumed with completion leaves little time for enjoyment of the process or the journey. I am aware of this vice in myself and have been making strides in mitigating or at least minimizing this trait.
I struggle to do something simply for the sake that I enjoy doing it.
I always find myself thinking about ways to monetize hobbies, interests and strengths.
Due to this type of thinking, I have never had a one job; I have always been working at least two jobs and/or going to school. My average work week has always been between fifty to sixty hours and I use to wear this as a badge of honour.
I no longer strive to work such long hours, but try to maintain a productive, meaningful lifestyle.
Awhile ago, when I was struggling with burnout and other difficult life events, so I decided to get back into hot yoga, as a form of stress release. I could not figure out why I ever stopped, so getting back on was not only enjoyable, but made me feel great.
The problem was, a week after starting back up again, I found myself researching yoga courses, certificate programs and how to become a yoga instructor. I had two jobs at the time and was doing my Masters in Education part-time as well.
Why did I find myself wanting to add more to my life?
It took a lot of personal restraint to not apply for a program. I do not even really know why. ‘What is wrong with me?’ was a recurring question in my mind.
One thing I realized is that I hinged a lot of my self-worth on external goals.
I believed that if I did something, just for myself, that it did not matter.
I truly felt that everything had to have some external purpose; that I must always be striving towards a form of a goal.
That’s why it was hard for me to go to yoga daily, just for the sake of going to yoga. It did not make any sense to me. What was the purpose, if there was no end goal? Why am I spending all of these hours in a hot room, if it is not for some endpoint?
I really love becoming extremely well versed in the things I enjoy. I love taking classes and challenging myself, but I am realizing, that it is okay to simply do some things in life.
It took me a long time to realize that going to hot yoga, the simple of act of going, was my end goal. It gave me sixty minutes each day where I thought about nothing else, but myself. It gave me one hour to be completely selfish and totally unavailable via phone.
I finally figured out what it means to do an activity, simply because you enjoy it.