When You Feel Trapped In Your Relationship
When It Feels Too Complicated to Leave Your Partner
A conversation I had with a former colleague haunts me to this day. It taught me how complicated and oppressive relationships can be and how an individual can feel so trapped that they believe they have no option but to stay in their subpar relationship.
“I heard you are moving? ” Allison inquired with me, between first and second period. She was a teacher at the school I had a three-month contract at and we had become fast friends. It was my first year as a substitute teacher and she had been teaching for years and what started as a mentor-mentee relationship quickly transitioned into a friendship.
“Yes,” I replied, “I just feel, since the breakup, that this city is too small for the both of us. We keep bumping into each other everywhere, the gym, restaurants, on the street…everywhere it feels like. My dad also thinks a fresh start will be really helpful for me and I really have no reason to stay here.” I slumped down in my seat and slowly sipped my lukewarm coffee.
“You are so lucky,” Allison said almost wistfully. My head snapped up so quickly that it would have probably rolled right off of my neck if they were not connected, “What….?” I shakily inquired. “You are so lucky,” she repeated again, clarifying that I had heard her right the first time.
This was the first time, but not the last time, that someone would tell me how lucky I was for getting divorced and it was fascinating each and every time it happened.
“You are free,” Allison said to me matter-of-factly, “You get to start fresh, leave something which is no longer serving you and you have your whole life ahead of you.”
“You are free,” Allison said to me matter-of-factly, “You get to start fresh, leave something which is no longer serving you and you have your whole life ahead of you.”
“You have your life ahead of you too,” I said slowly, unsure of how far to probe into this conversation or her life to be more specific, “You are happily married, you have two beautiful children, a great job — ” “I am not happy,” Allison quickly interjected.
“I am not happy,” Allison quickly interjected.
“Oh…” I said slowly, too scared to ask directly what she meant by that comment, but trying to be careful to not sound insensitive. Allison did not need my persuasion and powered on, like she had been meaning to tell someone this for a very long time, “My marriage is not good and I am trapped. I married Bren when I was so young and I had no idea who I was marrying or what kind of family I marrying into.”
“My marriage is not good and I am trapped. I married Bren when I was so young and I had no idea who I was marrying or what kind of family I marrying into.”
She sighed and sat down and I did not dare to move an inch. I had no idea what was going on, but this beautiful, successful, rich woman, who was supposed to be living the seemingly picture-perfect marriage was envious of my failed marriage and it made absolutely no sense to my twenty-something self. However, it makes absolutely total sense to me as a thirty-something-year-old woman.
“You could leave if you are not happy,” I said, not even sure of what I was saying.
“I can’t leave,” she said matter-of-factly, “I have two young children, I live in my husband’s house, I drive his car, I own literally nothing of ours. My paychecks go directly into a joint bank account; my husband controls everything. If I left him, and he has told me this already, repeatedly, he would send the biggest and baddest lawyers my way, ensuring that I never see my children again and I could not do that to my parents and family.”
This conversation was well beyond my years of experience and I did not really know what I was doing having this conversation at all. “I didn’t realize how complicated marriage can get,” was really all I could muster, as the bell for second period rang.
I didn’t realize how complicated marriage can get.
“I cannot wait to see what you accomplish and the happiness you have in the next chapter of your life,” Allison said to me, giving me a hug and I knew that she genuinely meant every word of it.
This story is not foreign, it is sadly extremely common. Many people are living in unhappy marriages, but feel confined to stay for their children, family, societal pressures, or financial reasons. It can be a very difficult thing to see a loved one going through, it can be an even harder thing to go through yourself.
I am unhappy in my relationship, but I cannot afford to leave my partner.
Usually, especially as we get older, our finances get more and more intertwined with our partner and the idea of leaving them and losing half of what is ours or more seems unbearable.
Money is not medicine.
You could also be in a situation where your partner is the breadwinner of the family and you do not have an income or a large enough income to support yourself, so that could make you feel trapped in the relationship.
I know someone who is worth millions, literally, but he is very much unhappily married. When I ask him why he chooses to stay, his answer is always the same, “I cannot fathom the thought of losing half of my money.” I am not worth millions, but for me, even if would cost me half of what I am worth right now, I would leave my partner if I was not happy.
I would leave because I know that it is insane to stay in an unhappy, unhealthy environment for money because money is not medicine. Money will not cure your unhappiness nor will it erase away the issues with your subpar partner.
Sure, logistically, it is very complicated to leave your partner, but just like anything complicated, it is about putting one foot in front of the other. You need to make a plan and set it in motion, if you are serious about living a life full of potential. What you are saving financially, by staying together, you are paying for in spades with your health.
I am unhappy in my relationship, but we have kids.
So what? Do you think you are doing them any favours by forcing them to live in an unhappy household? I remember vividly a friend of mine’s parents were getting separated in high school. They kept trying to make things work, by moving back in together, and throughout high school, their attempts at keeping their family together eroded everything to smithereens.
Her parents did not end up staying together, but they spent five years trying to stay together, for the sake of the kids, until they graduated from high school. All they did was create adults who were completely afraid of commitment and ran to hills at any sight of settling down.
If you think for one second that your kids do not know that you two are unhappy together, you are seriously underestimating your children. Also, staying together for children might be harming them much more than helping them, so do not think you are doing anyone any favours.
I am unhappy in my relationship, but this is what marriage is like.
I loathe nothing more than the person who shits on their spouse when they are not around, constantly. Sure, we all complain about our significant other from time to time, but if you use any social interaction to dump all of your relationship woes on your friends, you have much bigger issues.
We all have that unhappily married friend. They either constantly make grating jokes about how terrible their marriage is or it is the friend who uses every single get together as their own free therapy session to dump all of their problems onto your plate.
You have stopped or should stop giving this person advice because honestly, you and I both know that they are never going to their spouse and just want an audience to listen to their bemoaning.
This person’s life is sad because they have made a mockery of their marriage and are using false comedy to pretend everything is okay. Instead of all the attempts at subpar standup this person should put this energy into trying to improve their relationship.
It is useless; it is like watching the same television series, over and over again, even though you hate it. Instead of trying a new program you keep subjecting yourself to the same program, with some vain hope that it will be better this time round. Let me save you the time, it won’t and the ending is the same, lacklustre.
I am unhappy in my relationship, but it is not bad enough to leave.
This scenario is the worst of them all. Your relationship is not so bad that you can pinpoint clear reasons to leave, but it does not bring you anything positive either.
They are simply no longer your go-to person for life’s highs and lows.
It is like the plant you leave on your windowsill, never remembering to care for it, but somehow it never dies. It does nothing for you really, you do nothing for it really, but you share the same space together.
This is a tough situation to be in because you have no clear reason to stay, but no clear reason to go either. It sucks because it is this purgatory-like state, where every day is like the rest, which is the worst thing ever. If something good happens, you do not think to call your spouse. If something bad happens, you do not think to lean on your partner.
They are simply not your person and for whatever reason, your relationship has morphed into this environment that is not conducive for growth. It is ideal for that bullshit houseplant you have, it is an environment within which you will survive in, but never thrive in.
You might be reading that and thinking, ‘That’s not so bad,’ but believe me, it is. You want to thrive. You want to become the best version of yourself possible. You want to be with someone who wants to be with you and you want to be with as well. Your partner will make you or break you and I take that very seriously. Your spouse will either lift you up, let you down or at the very worst let you linger exactly where you are.
Getting out of an unhappy marriage is a headache, but getting out of anything you do not like is a headache. Riding it out until one of you dies is the most depressing thing I have ever heard of. If you are not happy in your relationship it is ruining your life in ways you might not even be aware of.
