Phoning in My Fetish

I Cannot Stand Outside of Phone Fascination, As Though it Does Not Apply to Me.

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My phone was on the outs; I knew it and she knew it….her days were clearly limited.

My most convenient source of immediate gratification was beginning to become unpredictable, frustrating and unreliable.

Not this time.

This time, I leaned into the lack of distraction. I let my phone die. She died two days ago and I have been phone-less ever since. May she rest in peace.

Now for work reasons, I cannot let this go on for much longer because my personal phone is my work phone, but it has been nice.

The discomfort of not having a phone has been ‘nice,’ but not really.

The walk to the local coffee shop, which is about three minutes, feels so long, without an audiobook readily being delivered to me via my ears.

I have had no one to waste time with, because she is no longer here.

A few times, during moments of bleak desperation, I kept trying to revive her lifeless body. Plugging her into her charger, again and again, even though I knew that, that blank screen would never light up again.

Our neurons get fired and dopamine is being released, and over time this makes us acquire a desire for quick feedback and immediate satisfaction. This process also has contributed to developing shorter attention spans and being more and more prone to boredom

My attention span has clearly been whittled away over the decades.

Now, thirty year old me, will go to a local coffee shop, pound the keyboard for sixty-ish minutes, pat myself on the back, for a job well done, and go back home.

Where is that writing warrior I use be? Did she die? Did I kill her?

Somewhere along the journey, I think I killed my discipline.

I have found the last couple of days extremely uncomfortable.

I have not been able to send random text messages, when I am bored or killing time.

I am getting a new phone, tonight or tomorrow morning. I enjoy the fact that I will not run out of work, with my figurative hair on fire, rushing to the nearest cell phone store.

Maybe I will get it today and if not, I will survive until tomorrow.

This unexpected experiment has made me wonder….what would an entire day, with no phone, laptop or television look like?

I shudder to even think about how dark a twenty-four hour period like that would be.

I know that the only reason I have survived the past two days is because of my television and laptop…without them, I would have been hovering over the shoulders of strangers on the train, looking for a quick fix. A glimpse of a like, an ongoing text conversation or an automatic update that life still does exist.

I am planning on scheduling such a day in the near future, a technology free day, so I will be sure to detail the entire account and let you know what I learn, struggle through and grow from.

As for the rest of today, I have no idea who has called, texted or ‘liked’ anything of mine.

My train rides to work now seem so challenging; I use to love them before, getting a chapter of book listened to or wrapping up a podcast episode, on the way to work.

Common Internet withdrawal symptoms include anger, tension, and depression when Internet access is not available. These symptoms may be perceived as boredom, joylessness, moodiness, nervousness, and irritability when you can’t go on the computer.

Who the hell have I become?

I cannot sit in silence and just enjoy life?

If it is not liked, logged, tracked or published, is it worth my time?

I now know exactly who I have become and I am scared to admit it.

God, it is so depressing to write out and admit.

For the last two days, I have had to sit and reflect with my own thoughts.

I wonder, when I have the guts to do it, and what my entire day without technology will be like. I am scared, but optimistic, because it certainly will not be today or tomorrow, but I better get on it soon.

Technology….is she our friend or foe?

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I write about issues that are near and dear to my heart, with the hope that my stories, experiences, and struggles may empower others: amanlitt.ca

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