Divorce is a life crushing experience, and I would never wish on anyone.
However, there is a great gift in divorce; it is such a public failure that any other future failures pales in comparison.
Divorce is the only large life failure which we willingly to share with others around us, even strangers sometimes.
We usually do not walk around, introducing ourselves to others and admit every exam we have failed, if we have stolen makeup from a drugstore as a teenager, gossiped about a loved one, had an affair, neglected a loved one or intentionally hurt another person for our own gain, but we do admit to being divorced.
Divorcees tend to take one of two routes:
One, where you were the victim and did absolutely nothing wrong, with your ex being the villian, to their very core and the second, where you try to see your contribution to the collapse of the relationship.
I believe that it takes two hands to clap; I am not absolved of responsibility from participating in a failed marriage, but this is because I am big enough to admit failure. Everyone contributes to all relationships in their life; nothing can simply happen to you, you are engaging with everyone around you and have ownership of the transactions which occur.
It can be tough to hear, but no one is the perfect person in a relationship, we are all flawed human beings.
Being divorced brought me a lot of life gifts, which I am so grateful for.
It allowed me to challenge my thinking and how I have been constructed by socially fabricated norms.
I never grew up wanting to be a bride or even fantasizing about my perfect wedding day.
My parents never really spoke about marriage in a good or bad way and never asked any of their children when or if they were going to get married. Marriage was just a thing that I never thought about, but somewhere in my mind I knew it would eventually happen. I was never really holding my breath for the big day because quite honestly, it felt like entrapment, a chosen prison adults step into.
I am in a common-law relationship now and I am asked regularly when we will get married.
I am not offended when others ask me, but honestly, I have nothing to gain by getting married (again). Of course, the wedding party is fun and it is nice to be surrounded by loved ones, but to me it seems like a very big bill for a day of fun.
I am also not opposed to getting married again; my partner has never been married and I would never deprive someone of their big, special day, if it is something they truly wanted.
Me though, I have nothing to prove by getting married again. I have nothing to prove about my failed marriage. I am not trying to prove to others that I was the victim or have ‘won’ by getting divorced. I am simply living my own life and questioning societal pressures to be married or have children by a certain age, or at all.
If you are going through a breakup, it can suck.
I feel your pain and you will need time to grieve, but remember, you can take this failure in one of two ways. You can either keep looking back, pointing at that person, who no longer exists in your life, blaming them for every issue in your current circumstances or you can send them peace. Move on, move forward and let go; what has happened has happened, and now it is up to you to stride forward, on your own two feet.
Marriage? Yes, it is great, but not for me, not right now and maybe not ever.
Do not feel sorry for me though, I appreciate the fact that my partner and I have the freedom and choice of committing to ourselves everyday and some days said commitment is hard, and other days it is so effortless. One day we might get married, but it is nothing more than a party in my mind, and that’s okay….I love a good party.