‘I Was Just Trying to Help’
When People Use ‘Helping’ to Deflect the Destruction They Have Caused: How to Not Fight Fire with Fire
‘I was just trying to help. I did not mean any harm by what I said.’
What do you do when someone is in such denial of their conscious malice actions?
My gut instinct is to lash out at them and tell them all the ways they are a terrible human being.
I do not listen to my gut anymore; she is a bit too emotional for me and I wait for my brain to cool down before reacting.
I do not engage.
I do not poke out their eye because they have blinded me. I do not point out their flaws, which have nothing to do with the current situation.
I reaffirm my boundaries.
I stand by my beliefs. I do not allow my world views to be challenged or questioned by others.
When someone defends their malice actions, see it as a sign of weakness in the person.
They are not mature, wise and rational enough to own their negative actions. They hide behind their plea that they meant to do good.
Good intentions have lead to some pretty disastrous results, and it is hard for people to own up to their mistakes in life. It is much easier for them to blame your reaction to their action.
It is hard. It is really, really hard to not react to them and for a lot of my life, I did react to the destruction. I would lash out to people who lashed out at me. I was helping blind the whole world.
It does not work.
It definitely does not work with family fights because you are going to have to continue to have a relationship with that person, whether you want to or not.
I really try to stop, drop and roll.
I imagine that I am on fire. I stop. I drop (take a seat) and I roll (into a meditation).
Super cheesy I know. Another recommendation for meditation, but it works; it cools down my overheated brain. It allows me to focus on the situation at hand, address my point of view and reaffirm my boundaries.
When someone is defensive, they are not going to take ownership of their situation, so you need to own the reaction to their created situation. We can still diffuse the fire, by not participating in adding to it.
Seriously, just breathe and do not engage.
Do something else, maybe write a post.
Sleep on it.
I repeat, sleep on it. Everything is much clearer after a good night’s rest.
Work with your emotions, but do not let your emotions take charge. We cannot take back the things we say in anger, so I try to say nothing at all anymore.
Silence is not a weakness, it is our greatest strength in life. Listen more and speak less. Reflect more and react less.
Learn from the situation as well.
Learn what this person is capable of and what role they should play in your life. Make this a precedent to avoid future flare ups.
