I Thought It Would Make Me Happy…

I got married because I thought it would make me happy and feel complete.

Instead, it made me feel lonelier than I ever thought possible. I realized that no one can complete you and if you do not believe in your own boundaries, someone else will determine them for you.

I took that promotion because I thought more money would make my life perfect.

It did not make me perfect and my problems only grew in size because I had no time to deal with them, due to my larger than life new job. I learned that no amount of money will wash away my issues and the only way fix them is to dedicate time and energy to fixing them.

I gained weight because I thought by not obsessing about my weight, I would have less stress.

I ended up weighing more and having less motivation to do anything. Starting back up an exercise routine taught me that starting again is way, way, way harder than doing a bit everyday.

I bought a house because I thought I would feel like an adult.

Being an adult does not come with a checklist and no one is ‘winning’ in the game of life. I realized that no one knows what an adult truly looks like and buying material items, with long term payment plans, only tightens the noose of consumerism around your neck, limiting your freedom to choose your life. I no longer try to emulate what an adult should look like because I know everyone is lying, trying to get us all to jump onto their sinking ship of infinite debt.

I went to therapy because I thought it would provide a perfectly packaged answer to all of life’s questions.

I left with more doubt and concern than when I walked in. I realized that there is no shortcut or easy way out of our problems; hard work always was, is and will be the solution to any problem I face.

I ignored my problems because I thought they would go away on their own.

I ignored my own wounds, applying no ointment and then being shocked when they festered and blistered. I realized that by allowing my demons to live with me, they only grew in size and strength. They ended up extracting all of the joy in my life and imprisoning me, under their weight. I now no longer shack up with my vices, but give them the boot, before they can take their smelly shoes off in my foyer.

I gossiped because I thought it was a way to bond with friends.

I ended up becoming the most critical person I knew, judging everyone from a throne I had materialized in my mind. I realized that gossiping only shows the cruelness and badness within yourself and not the person of conversation. I try not to gossip anymore and mind my own damn business.

I thought these things would make me happy, feel more whole and become the person I thought I wanted to be. I no longer strive to be some perfect person because in that pursuit, I only had problems. I realized that who I wanted to be was something which was sold to me by others, society and consumerism.

I want to be an authentically happy person now; someone that is confident in their own skin and can manage their day, without the dramatic dips we all love to live in. I am living a simpler life now, but it is much more my own than it has ever been.