I am waving the white flag.
I have to own my shit.
In order to own it, I have to stand in it and smell the stench.
Gross, I know, but growth is not always pretty.
I have made mistakes in the past. I have tried to apologize, as best I can for them or asked for forgiveness, but now it is time for me to move on.
No more apologizing for past mistakes; from now on, my eyes, energy, focus and attention will only be directed forward.
I am done staring at days which have long gone dry and crumbled away and at mistakes which have been written in stone and can never be erased from the rocks of time.
I have paid my dues and now deserve to be happy. If you think I have not paid my dues, well, that’s your burden to bear now because I am moving on.
I cannot keep wallowing in this self pity, where all I try to do is please everyone else due to past failures because it is killing me.
I need to add my name to my list of life’s never ending to-do’s.
I am a flawed person, but I am also in charge of everything that happens to me.
Why? Because I am responsible for how I react.
The only important part of a situation is the reaction.
I cannot control what others do or what happens to me, but I can always control the reaction and I am done pointing the finger externally when my reaction is flawed.
I can choose to let sadness, anger, stress, anxiety or anything else that makes me run for the hills, hide in a cave and escape life continue to persist OR I can meet my shit head on.
I am tired of escaping life because every time I come back to it, the damn shit is still there!
The problem always overextends its stay, especially if you do not deal with it right away. The longer it stays, the longer the smell lingers, even after the problem is gone.
I need to try a new solution: I can meet it, the problem, head on, acknowledge it, and deal with it, right away, with no running away.
Anything that happens to me, from this moment forward, is my fault and my responsibility to fix.
If someone says something mean to me, how I handle it is the problem, not the solution. If I choose to let it ruin me or stray me off course, I am to blame.
Problems are always going to happen, so I need accept that no matter how hard I work at avoiding it, I will be stepping in shit for the rest of my life.
I can either look around at the person who left it for me to step in, to ruin my day, mind or life, or I can clean the shoe, or throw away the shoe, depending on the damage, and continue forwards.
No one to blame, but me.
Hit me with your car, yes, shame on you, but if I decide to continue to lie there and get hit five more times, rather than dragging my sorry ass to safety, that’s my fault.
I am not saying that I am going to be perfect, pretty and powerful from here on out, but I am also tired of looking for the culprit for my sadness, anger, failures and struggles.
There will be times where I will be walking in life with shitty shoes, there will be times where I will have only one shoe, or maybe no shoes, because they were too dirty to keep with me, but the one thing that will not stop is my focus on moving forward.
I have found the culprit of all of my life’s problems in the mirror.